The Power of Surrender

This is a story about surrender.

Two months ago, I fell into the abyss. I looked into her eyes and I saw myself. I was like a weary traveler kicking off his shoes after countless lives spent as a nomadic wanderer adrift through the incessant flux of time. For that moment though, the calm stillness within the chaos of perpetual motion pervaded my entire being. There was no doubt about it, I could feel it as a resolute fact animating each new breath: Finally, I was home.

Since that prolonged gaze into my Soul, the story that has told itself has been one of synchronicity after synchronicity. Cute intellectual ideas that I had collected in my rucksack like a blind and ambitious hoarder began to readily manifest into experience. Notions such as chance ceased to exist. Colors within my landscape brightened, sounds sharpened, sensations gained a heightened poignancy. The shallow veneer of separation could no longer be maintained; signposts guiding us unflinchingly surfaced wherever we directed our attention.

Our spiritual practice was one in the same: Guru went by the name of Experience, and the path was that of Surrender. The task at hand was to lay to rest all these preconceived ideas and moralistic judgments about how things “should” be, while fully opening to the unfolding story with an emphatic shout of YES!!! to the yet to be written adventure presenting itself within each moment.

Which brings us to this story…

It’s early in the morning and I wake up to my phone vibrating. Surprisingly I see Renee’s face light up on the screen. Five hours earlier, I accompanied her to the airport to offer a final farewell. She had an early flight leaving for Croatia in which she had plans to make a surprise showing at her Aunt’s wedding. Afterwards, she was going to return to Norway to complete a couple of film projects. And as for me, later that evening, I had a flight to Thailand, in which I would stay for a couple of weeks until returning to the United States for a short stretch, after which I had plans to live in Guatemala for the first part of the summer. So after two inseparable magic-filled months, we were going to spend the next few months residing in different continents. This was good-bye for now.

With that as a backdrop…

I shake my head laughing out loud as I hit play on Renee’s video message and see beaming rays of joy emanating from her eyes.

“Hi my Love. Guess where I am… you’re not gonna believe what’s happened…” and with her characteristic irreverent smile extending across her face directly on to mine, she begins her story.

“So I came to the airport, and I can’t find my flight on the board. And then I go to the information desk, and the attendant tells me that that’s because the flight is at eight a.m. and not at five a.m., as was originally scheduled. Apparently the airline changed the schedule months ago, but I was never informed because I booked the ticket through a third party travel agent. Meaning I wouldn’t have been able to make my connecting flight to Zagreb from Moscow.

So I was standing there, and I was getting really upset because I’m going to get delayed for this wedding, and I wanted to get in at a good time so I could shower and wash my clothes…”

The video then cuts out with Renee playfully shaking her hair making a shampooing gesture while the ding of an elevator sounds in the background.

Teeming with suspense, a new video message arrives which I eagerly play.

“Maybe that’s a little hint of where I am”, Renee giggles, referring to the sound of the elevator chime concluding the last message.

“Anyway, so I’m at the airport and time goes by, and I’m wondering what’s gonna happen because they’re not giving me confirmation of whether or not they’re gonna arrange a new flight for me or anything like that.

At first I get really upset. Then, slowly, I begin to draw my attention towards my breath, and focus on all these things we talk so much about: surrendering and remembering how everything happens for a reason.

And then I get a note.

They managed to find a flight for me, from Moscow to Frankfurt, and then Frankfurt to Croatia. It’s gonna be really late, but it’s definitely an option.

Then I am left again alone, and waiting for them to figure it out. The time goes. One hour goes by, then two, then three. Still nothing…

I’m just standing there, watching the sun rise, super super calm, just breathing, thinking everything is okay, remembering surrender, surrender, surrender…

Then the attendant comes and tells me there will be no flight tonight, there is no option to go from Frankfurt. So I can choose if I wish to stay in Delhi, or I can go to Moscow, stay there, and m-a-a-a-y-be find a flight but not know for sure.

I’m thinking that I really want to get to Croatia as soon as possible, but the option of staying in Delhi, and seeing you for one more night, sounds really tempting,” she pauses, biting her lower lip and flashing her eye lashes while her seductive gaze pierces into me through the screen.

Renee continues:

“Sooo, yea, I told them that I wanted to stay. I had this odd feeling while in the taxi together this morning that this wasn’t good-bye. Like it didn’t feel like this was good-bye and that we weren’t going to see each other again on this trip…

They then promise that they’re going to take care of me, and that they will arrange for a hotel and a taxi and everything.

The attendant who’s helping me, though, he’s really strange. I’m trying to ask him some questions to get more details — like where I’ll be staying — but he’s being evasive and won’t properly reply.

Anyway, so I’m standing outside waiting for my taxi, and the car rolls up. And on the side of the car, it said something odd,” she pauses, looking up as if she’s trying to recall some fact.

“It said,” shifting her gaze to the center with wide open eyes and a smile conveying ecstatic disbelief, and in a rapturous fit of laughter, she shouts out: “The Grand Hotel!”.

This isn’t just any five star hotel though. This is a hotel with a particular story. Join me for a bit of a detour.

The second day after we meet, for the new full moon, Renee and I went camping on the beach. In the morning, after waking up with the sun creeping over the top of the jungle behind us, we do a meditation sit. We then here the bell chime, and as we turn to face each other and our eyes lock, we simultaneously begin sprinting along the empty beach, shouting out a cacophony of animal calls as we make our way towards the ocean. This opened the door to a fledgling interest that we both share: contact improvisation dance in the water. That morning we shared a magical dance, and we’ve been on the lookout for places to play in the water ever since.

But later in our journey, during the weeks we were trekking through the Everest region of Nepal, much of which in freezing temperatures, it was images of a sauna which occupied our fantasies.

After our hike, though, we flew from Kathmandu back to India immediately to start a ten day meditation retreat in a small village outside of Dar. So alas, our day of relaxing in a spa would have to wait.

Upon finishing the retreat, with the days till our departure winding down, we start to consider some logistics. Taking a night bus to Delhi and dropping our stuff off with our friend’s family friends during the day, that was the plan. And what to do during the day before Renee’s departing flight? This was obvious, the only question was finding the right place…

Later that evening, Renee and I are having dinner with a fellow traveler friend who has spent some time living in the Delhi area. We describe our situation and see if he knows of any good spots.

Without hesitation, Krish shoots back at us: “The Grand Hotel. That’s where you need to go.”

I mention that I wouldn’t have thought they would open their doors to guests not staying at the hotel.

“Oh they don’t. Just walk in with conviction though. They’re not going to say anything. They’ve never said anything to me at least when I’ve done it. And I’ve stayed there as a guest also. So I know the place fairly well…really, I don’t think it would be an issue at all. The hotel is huge, no way they keep track of all the guests. And the place truly is amazing: you’ve got a first-class sauna, steam room, Jacuzzi, a beautiful pool, there’s even an ice bath. They also have a killer buffet which might be fair game if you play your cards right…”

I press my hand against Renee’s thigh as I simultaneously feel her hand pressing on mine, and in perfect sync, we turn to face each other with smiles conveying that unmistakable sense of exhilaration born from the thought of embarking on a new adventure.

We arrive at our host’s home early in the morning, drop off our bags, and make our way to this lovely little park that’s a few blocks away. But after our meditation sit, yoga practice, and exchanging massages — and then walking down to the local market, loading up on fresh tropical fruit, and then walking back to the park for our leisurely breakfast — I look down at my phone and see that it’s already well past noon.

I then look up “The Grand” in Google maps and discover that it would take us an hour and half of riding through congested Delhi traffic to arrive there.

I ask Renee what she’d prefer to do. We both agree that although “The Grand” sounds like a wonderful adventure, hanging out at the park, reading, writing, and painting, that sounds like a pretty fantastic last day together as well. And it’s certainly the path of least resistance.

So, we decide, our spa day will have to wait till the next chapter…

Which brings us back to our regularly scheduled story…

Playfully flailing her arms while erupting with laughter, breathing in a deep inhalation to maintain a semblance of composure, Renee continues:

“I was just shocked. And my tears just started coming…cause’ it’s just another proof of what it is we’re doing…and you know…all this practice that we’re doing: it’s really working! And I know that it is, but it’s just so funny when it’s manifesting in real stuff that you can grasp and actually tell people.”

As Renee concludes her story, with giddy excitement I jam all my possessions into my rucksack and think how I don’t give one crap — not even one — about any of this stuff. I felt in that moment as if each article of clothing or alter piece or book was just an unnecessary obstruction keeping me away from what I actually cared about. “Eh stuff, what clutter!” I laugh and shake my head while ordering an Uber.

I lug my bags to the living room, and proceed to tell my hosts the abridged version of why I am leaving so abruptly. I then look down at my phone and share with them the following message that I just received from Renee:

“The ego loves to control everything. It creates the boundaries and limitations in which we imprison our self. Surrender allows us to break free and step into ‘the wisdom of uncertainty’. With surrender, we can connect fully with our source where the whole universe conspires to support us. We can become timeless, eternal, infinite, joy-filled, and fearless. Individual aspirations and desires are surrendered to a higher power.”

And with that parting note, my phone vibrates signaling that it is time to go. I give my hosts a big hug and then excitedly rush off to meet my love.

********

[What follows is the second part of this story. It’s probably one of the more convoluted pieces I have written in quite a long time. I struggled with weaving together all these different ideas I wanted to convey, as you will be able to see.

My initial aim was to express the extraordinary unrealized capacity we each have within us. In my view, we typically aren’t able to tap in to this vast reservoir of potential because of our failure to fully recognize — and thereby to act upon — the instrumental role that our beliefs have in-forming our realities.

In this blueprint that I meticulously laid out within the corridors of my mind, this then gave way to a discussion of Mind — that collective wellspring of our vast creative capacity and memory. From here, I’d discuss how the dissolving of our conditioned beliefs — through the practice of surrender — is the primary tool for accessing this big Mind. This is the place, as Renee’s story elucidates, where the magic happens…

I wanted to weave all these disparate ideas together, and then throw in a few pink unicorns and butterflies to make them go down smoother.

After more then a week of letting this second part marinate in my mind tho (notice the lower case ‘m’), I still have — in my view at least — a cluttered amalgamation of thoughts that appear only loosely and inelegantly tied together. I tried several times starting scratching the entire thing and starting anew, but nothing to my liking emerged. And today marks the deadline that I have set for myself for sending this update letter off…

Since I feel the following section is inadequate for my tastes, I was entertaining the notion of scrapping this second part and just leaving the first part to stand on its own.

I opted to include it, however, for several reasons.

First and foremost, I think it’s a fitting irony that I am writing a piece about surrender and the magic that flows from acting within this place of “infinite possibilities”. Yet, quite clearly seen from the lack of flow in this section, I am failing fantastically in accessing this big Mind that I speak of. I hold on to ideas of how this section “should be”, writing from a cerebral analytic mind. As a result, the magic has no room to animate my words. I find all this thoroughly amusing and a most delicious instance of irony…

Secondly: this is a story about shedding away our layers of conditioning through the practice of Surrender. By publicly sharing this, what better way to confront a closet full of my own shadows? This urge towards perfectionism, the need that I still grasp on to for finality and closure, a yearning for approval and putting into question how I derive my “self” worth (intellectual recognition?)…hey guys, we can all be friends, really, let’s kick it!!

And Lastly: even tho I believe that this piece, as a whole, is quite missing, you still might get a few glimpses of butterflies or pink unicorns. It’s just that you might have to get a bit muddy in the process; but it’s my hope that maybe some brush strokes of big Mind might present themselves for brief flashes…

But alas, again, I digress…the point which I wished to express…for those of you without a burning enthusiasm to hear my philosophical ramblings, I would suggest skipping this part. And since “this” part has now morphed into its own separate part, I would say the same about this parenthetical section. But I guess it’s too late for that now. Yea…about that…my most sincere apologies :/

For those few that have gotten this far tho with an interest in proceeding… without further adieu, let’s return to our regularly scheduled story…]

*********

“Unbelievable” I think to myself while sitting in the cab, as I smile and shake my head.

“No that’s not true” another voice in my head retorts. “You stopped believing in such nonsense like the ‘unbelievable’ long ago…”

You see, over the years, my thoughts have been quite preoccupied with the Idea that our beliefs — or their lack of as the case often may be — is the creative agency animating our individual experience and etching it into the fabric of our collectively shared reality.

Few of us are actually aware that it is our beliefs which primarily dictate how we experience reality, and not the external world itself.

We fall prey to that fundamental error of cognition which has plagued humanity since time immemorial: we mistake the reality that we perceive for the reality that is.

We fail to recognize and appreciate that it is only through the filter of our conditioned lens that we are able to make sense of this inexpressibly complex jumbled mess of a world.

We can never see reality as it is: only as we are. Yet the more clearly we are able to see ourselves, the greater clarity we gleam with which we are able we see reality as it is — and as such, the more skillfully we are able to act within it.

Now despite the relative rarity for a person to intellectually grasp this fundamental axiom of existence, it seems far more rare that one of us mere mortals is actually able to embody it.

For to live with this principle, to let it grow and sprout inside of us, this necessitates undertaking a journey few are willing to embark. It requires setting sail down a sea of inquiry and mystery, navigating through clouds of unknowing as far as the eye can see. The ground from under our feet is stripped away and we are left afloat, hanging in a constellation of infinite possibilities. This is the voyage that awaits the hungry traveler.

As the hungry traveler begins peeling away layer after layer of belief, she finds that the size of this onion of conditioning actually seems to grow. It’s as if the edifice of our belief structure is like a giant iceberg: only the top emerges in view of our conscious awareness; the vast majority is submerged under water, lodged deep in the depths of our unconscious. And the more we explore of this iceberg, the more of it we are able to see.

This brings us back full circle to the the topic of surrender. The practice of surrender entails letting go of all these conditioned beliefs we have accumulated over lifetime(s) and sinking into that “wisdom of uncertainty’”.

Intellectually, we all can easily grasp these notions, how every “thing” is in a constant state of evolution and change, and how we are not the snapshots we once took. But the hungry traveler aims to feel and to taste this truth through ripping open all these boxes we try to fit ourselves and others inside. For these boxes represent our conditioned beliefs. They make up the walls of our prison cells. They preclude the expression of our Soul’s deepest yearning by not allowing our innate creative potential to blossom and and run free.

And it is through this process of discarding all these fixations of “who I am”, and who others “are” — an emptying of our selves, you could say — in which we begin to dismantle this constricting edifice of beliefs. And in doing so, we create more space — for ourselves, and for others — to become what, on a most fundamental level, we already are.

This is, after all, the perennial philosophy taught by all those starry eyed mystics and enlightened sages: through dissolving our conditioned egoistic attachments and melting away these illusory walls of separation, we find salvation. Heaven, after all, isn’t some place of real estate up there — and enlightenment isn’t some future state of Oh so holy Being. Rather, these refer to actual states of experience in which we all have direct access to within this moment.

It is through our conditioned experience, however, that we have lost site of this ancient wisdom that still runs through our veins.

Surrender is coming back to that source in which we all come from yet have diverged. It is an unwavering faith within this inseparable connection which unites us to the rest of creation, and it is falling back into this ancient well of wisdom with an all-encompassing smile conveying this indomitable faith.

Put simply, Surrender is returning Home.